CHEATERS Bungoma edition

CLIENT:
Mary Nasambu,contacted cheaters who suspects his boyfriend Kololi a boda boda is riding more than his bicycle. She comes to cheaters for answers.

MARY: Huyu Kololi aki nampenda,na ananichungaka fisuri. Akikucha nyumbani ananileteanga chuis na keki plaka forest,lakini hanitoshelesi kimapensi.

INVESTIGATION DAY 1:
Cheaters investigators wait for movement at the Bungoma bus park.

Suspect Kololi has a male customer approach & declines but an unknown female customer approaches and they share a brief greeting and he carries her to Sinoko where suspect Wakoli & the unknown female companion get into her house and stay there for hours. Kololi shows his infidelity in this recorded telephone conversation.

MARY: Kololi uko wapi.
KOLOLI: Si niko kasini.
MARY: Nipike nini zapa.
KOLOLI: Nitakunywa chai du.

With this piece of evidence cheaters meet Mary

CHEATERS CLIENT BRIEFING

GRECO: Hallo Mary.

MARY: Niko salama lapta wewe.

GRECO: You asked us to investigate if Kololi is cheating and this is what we got. Our investigators followed him at the bus stop...

MARY: Haiya!!! Huyu ni Kololi kwa fitio???

GRECO: A male customer approaches but declines but a female comes they share a moment and he carries her. Kololi carries her & we notice how his female customer is rubbing his back suggestively.

MARY: Wa Wa Wa!!! Hepu rewind!!! Haki huyo ni Nekesa kasini wangu.

GRECO: And they went to her house and he was there for 8 hours and he came out with a bottle of juice and cake.

MARY: Yani Kololi ana (tiiiii!!!) alafu ananiletea kegi???

GRECO: I know it's hard for you. (Phone rings) Haloo...yes...he's with her right now...we are a few minutes away...ok.
Mary those are cheaters investigators and Kololi is with her. Are you prepared?

MARY: Haki twende. Aniambie tu mbona ananifanyia hifi.

THE CONFRONTATION:

(Greco, Mary & cheaters crew in lantana bushes near the suspect's hide out. Kololi comes out to see the group)

MARY: Kololi kweli kweli tu unanifanyia nini?

KOLOLI: Aiii Mary mbona unani aipisha hifi?

MARY: Hunifanyiangi mapensi kumbe ni huyu pitch!

WOMAN: Unaita nani pitch!!!???

CONCLUSION:
In the cheaters car as they go.

GRECO: Now Mary what's yo next step.

MARY: Kina Kauntezia walinikatasako na sikuskia. Me nitaendea Wanjala tu at least watu wa mkokoteni hawanaga stress ama Kefin, wanaume wengi wananitakanga Wakoli anaesa kaa na huyo pitch. Wakwende huko.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

I rarely use the F word but this is fucked up. My pal (Let's call him Oloo) & his chic changad bought a car last year.,an Audi.

Being Mr Generous,a friend borrowed it & Oloo gladly lent him. The dude went out drinking showing off "his" Audi in Thika.

That night,driving back from Nai he got an accident & rolled with the car along Thika road. Miraculously he survived without injuries but his friends,a chic who sat infront got hit by the air bag and twisted her neck & 5 guys squeezed in the back got serious injuries. The "borrower" went to his place that night,packed & left for UG(He's Ugandan)

NO THAT IS NOT THE FUCKED UP PART...

Oloo and his chic were left to repairs after chasing the insurance company. They spent not less than 300k in repairs & replacement,sold the car at a very low price than they bought it,went back to matatus,buses & taxis.

NOT THE FUCKED UP PART YET...

11/4/2011 destination Mombasa - Kilindini harbor. The couple going to pick their newly imported Toyota Mark X, I remember we named the automobile of all names we called it Maning'ning.

Two weeks later Oloo's best friend loves the Mark X and asks him if he can borrow it (NO THIS AIN'T THE FUCKED UP PART EITHER) Oloo, was uneasy because he knew if his chic juas italeta shida. I even suggested if he has to,one can hire a Mark X for 4-5k, heri wachange coz if he's caught it might leta problems (My advice). Oloo kasema hana doe & it was just for a night. Friday,iregeshwe Sato asubuhi. St. Oloo hakuniskia, at 3pm the dude was given the keys to Maning'ning on condition ioshwe na mafuta ijazwe coz Oloo's chic was going for a wedding & the car was in the line up.

NO,NOT THE FUCKED UP PART YET!!!

Twendele... Oloo spent at his parents' (That's what he told his chic but he spent at his best pal's) coz if he went to his place where he lived with his chic, she would realize the car ain't there & she'd cause drama.

Morning 7:30am am told Mark X ilikua imefika,full tank,washed and no scratches. (Am sure unasema thank God? ngoja,mambo bado...) Oloo had to go pick his suit but the car had to be with his chic. So he opted to drop the car make his way to town avae suit huko wapatane tao. I was riding with them as I was emceeing at the wedding. I was at Tmall when I got a call from Oloo's chic,"Tumefika stadi!" I took my last sip and gobbled up the samosa I was having,ran by the road,saw Maning'ning and jumped in the back seat.

As usual I started yapping but realized guys were quiet,Oloo on the passenger seat,his chic driving,suddenly she burst out crying & parked the car next to Armed forces memorial & started crying non stop,"X hizi njo vitu mnafanya usiku??"

FINALLY....THE FUCKED UP PART: (Nimejua hii part leo as narrated by a drunk Oloo 2 hours ago)

REWIND TO GARI IMELETWA FULL TANK & WASHED... The car was washed outside but the fool who borrowed it never bothered to wash inside. So trying not to raise any suspicion Oloo was eager to reach his place and hand the car to his chic. Quickly excused himself, got into a mat to town. His chic drove to where the cars were being decorated but realized it was dirty, he asked her bro to clean inside the car were beer bottles, a chic's inner garment & used co%*^ms. Someone had a good time. The chic was furious called her in laws & found out Oloo never spent at home.

A DAY I WILL NEVER FORGET

A DAY I WILL NEVER FORGET

The title soughts of reminds me of the compositions we used to write back in school.Well as it states I'll never forget not because of anything nice.14th June 2011 is a day I'll never forget.I've never had a series of problems follow me like ants heading for their hide out in millions,fell out with friends,mourning two friends,sued in court,ripped off,missed an audition because "they got what they wanted",heartbreaks...anyway non of these could be compared to how the day ended.AT HOMEI got to the house at around accumulated all my problems in one corner and burnt them with my flames of anger and tears that acted as petrol.After an hour of crying I kinda felt better but was hungry.It was about 11pm.Had two eggs lying around in the kitchen so decided to make an omlette and ugali.Alas!!!As soon as I placed the sufuria on the meko gas,all the gas could communicate was a sound,"Puthu!" it sounded like a baby farting.For those who are not blessed to have such a gadget;well it simply tells you,"GAS IMEISHA!"My heart raced at the speed of a cheetah,the troubles in my mind went helta-skelta in my mind(Composition mode) frustration piled. There was nothing edible in the house and all I had fed on the entire day was a snack called French fries Aka chips.So I told myself,"Self! I cannot sleep hungry.It's almost midnight,where can I get food?"I went outside to check if there's a shop open.Our "guard" Nelson, was at his post executing his security duties. I narrated to him my plight (The gas part only). He didn't see it as a problem and in his Maasai accent said,"Kama ataeza nunulia mimi chai na chapati nitapeleka yeye".That's 15 bob,"DEAL!Twende".He leaves his partner there as we go to this great joint.We walk towards Soweto,the most dangerous area in Kayole."Nelson,Soweto?""Ndio,uko ndani ndani".The dude doesn't sense my concern and so I spell it out to him,"Nelson,si huko kuna wezi wengi na wakora bwana"?"Wengi sana,hata jana mwisi naua mutu hapa".This guy is not serious & I tell him,"Fanya hivi,chukua hii 50 bob me narudi".Confidently the dude says after laughing,"Erro,hapana ogopa,hii makora yote najua mimi sana".A group of guys like 10 with pangas appear and confront us but they see Nelson and go like,"Aagh,erro,ni wewe?"This a bit re assuring as the thugs go their way. This fuels our quest to quell our burning bellies,let me say my belly.Finally,Messi hotel. We go in and am surprised by the number of people in there.It's like packed and very noisy.The customers one can tell are not good people.They throw glances at Nelson and I then go ahead with biznes. I can see a lap top being examined,a 42" Sony TV leaning against the wall.Before I go on let me explain how this place looks like,it has no elec,they use tin lamps,it's made of mud and you can see the sky from inside,it's smelly and really untidy,the floor is muddy as it had rained earlier. Am too hungry to note this.The waitress asks to take our orders.Nelson asks for chai na chapati,I ask for madondo na chapati tatu,suddenly the place goes quiet all eyes on me........."What?"I know what when our orders are brought.Maze some big ass chapatis I've ever seen.Those things had a radius of like 25cm and had planned to carry them to show guys coz najua hamta amini. The hygiene in there ain't appealing tho,but I don't care.I hungrily took one biiig bite of the chapati,FUUUUUUCK!!!!I spit the stuff out.The chapo had a very bitter taste and smelled really bad. I swear nilishiba pap!!! A dude came to sit next to Nelson and was whispering something to him.I dont know what it was but for the 1st time,Nelson spoke without an accent,"Sonko", (That's what he calls me,"Tutoka hapa sahii,naskia wanakupangia!!!"WHAT THE HOOOOT!!!!I chuck the two sok I had threw it at the waiter and started walking out with Nelsson. We notice a bunch of the guys in the cafeteria exit after us. Nelson tells me to keep walking nikipiga corner nitoke mbio(Thank God I had sneakers on) I walk slowly but really first as Nelson plays hero and remains back to negotiate. It reminded me of those movies the hero shouts,"RUN,RUN & DON'T LOOK BACK". I feel after this ordeal even if Nelson is responsible for this,I'll give him a K. But before I reach the corner,I hear serious slaps from behind.Am hoping it's not Nelson...it's Nelson all right,he whizzed past me in lightening speed and mumbles something in ki Maasai (I can't believe am laughing I swear). Where was I? Right the Maasai running past me,reminding me David Rudisha is Maasai. My fear reminds me that the 1st Kenyan to ever run the 100m in the olympics,Peter Wekesa,was not only luhya but also my uncle. I took off after him,his waving lessos inspiring me to run. Then shit!!! We run into the group we met with pangas.-Goodbye my new Nikes.-Goodbye my iPhone.-Goodbye my Rado watch...WHAT WAS I THINKING COMING DOWN HERE WITH THESE STUFF.I surrendered went down on my knees with my hands raised after I saw the pangas held high and the fellows shouting,"SIMAMA HAPO,SIMAMA AMA UKULE PANGA!!!"I was so scared that I wasn't even shaking anymore.I was so composed. I cursed my late friends Ondiech and Kibet & told them am not joining them up there.Then the twist came.The guys chasing us turned round and ran even faster towards Messi Cafe.Came to understand the machete crew was actually a vigilante group running security of Soweto area because cops fear going in there.I paid them 100/- and headed home with my fake body guard.I only hope today will be a better day for me.ION...Alfred Ondiech's Funeral fund raiser today at 4:30pm.Come one,come all.