Hi future wifey,
It's 8:09pm am in traffic going home, being chauffered in a brand new Isuzu. I guess Embasava invested in a new fleet. Well we may have met or not. Maybe we will meet in one of these Embasavas or you will knock my eggs down at the shop or spill mtura sauce on my shoes, I know it will be deliberate after reading an article by Njoki Chege (Girls)
I am that point in life where I am faced with one of the most important decisions in life, like whom to marry. I have two kids who repel chics from me but somehow I've realized urban chics are interested in married guys, bad boys, rich boys and single fathers. My babies are beautiful (I am not bragging). I thought I should write you a letter to let you know of few expectations I have in mind- more like terms and conditions of being
WEDDINGS: I know you chics love weddings. If I'll marry you I hope in a church, let's agree that:
1. I don't get to get your aunties lessos. The wedding is expensive enough. I'll go Bruce Lee on them and take you by force. Your dad asked for enough ng'ombes.
2. My boys and I won't dance, maybe Brian (I don't know what's wrong with that nigger)
3. Don't go William Ruto on me when reading your vows coz I know you'll be faking it.
4. Our wedding ain't going on wedding show and if it does they edit me out.
5. Guys will come with their own forks, that sharing forks shit ain't hygienic and I might puke.
6. Avoid hot bride's maids. Not coz of me, I have hyenas for friends.
7. Any of your male relaz threatens me, Shaolin on them.
8. Me I pay for the guys I invite you do for those you invite.
FINE THINGS IN LIFE: Mmmmh... you work btw? It's a new millennium, you guys asked for equality sindio? I will work hard and biy you pretty stuff before one of my boys does but I buy you a dress, shoes, earrings and you don't buy me even toothpick nikitoka nyama choma... you'll see how stingy this Luhya will be. If I agreed to marry you, you must be hard working. I will be so good to you if you'll be good to me. I have 2 kids already, I don't know how many you'd like us to have, I'll let you name them but if it's a boy Xavier Jerry Nato jr is he's name, hio tuskizane sahizi. Don't be naming him after your dad, I'll always be scared to hold him. Talk about your dad, I'll call him dad too... nooo I think Baba will be more appropriate. Daddy sounds like am about to melt in his arms and start sucling my thumb na akini bore I'll calk him Baba John (the kid he deslikes most in his house. Don't worry about my mum, she's a darling. Even if I bring a crocodile, she'll love it. No monster in law. We talk much about business ideas, so don't be beefing, join us in our watsap group by the way.
Your mother: Could be my best-friend or worst enemy.
MY BOYS AND YOUR GIRLS: Now, my boys are good guys, actually you'll rarely see them as I won't let them near you, we don't drink so mostly we go for rugby, we like road trips and am guessing you'll be coming too on some. Your girls... I hope they remember your married and baby please you need advice, don't get it from the ugly one, with a big mouth who's been left by 73 men in 7 months... that one who was snatching the microphone from the musicians during our wedding and sounded like a train breaking after spotting an Umoinner bus...yes that one, coz I bet she wants me. Go for girls night out, I trust you, I'll even get a bodyguard, my cousin Musa to drive you around, we don't want the alcoblow dudes to get you. No GPRS or stalking you.
That should be all for now. In the meantime, I want to believe you're not cute but you have a beautiful heart too. I will keep vigil and always look my best and wear smart, always smile to force my feint dimple, waiting to meet you. If I have already met you and you are probably reading this, don’t be shy, just ask me to marry you GENDER EQUALITY REMEMBER???
All my love,
Future Mr Right.
i looove this
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