WHEN YOUNG LEADERS ARE PUT DOWN

My blog is full of funny stories but this once I want to share a story about a young man who was elected as a Member of County Assembly in Kakamega County, a ward called Mahikhalo. He went on to vie for the position of Deputy Speaker of the County Assembly and won against wishes of so many senior politicians. Cleophas has been linked to controversy, most common is the play he wrote, SHACKLES OF DOOM where he addressed the issue of inequality. That's why it's so easy to get him into trouble especially his hard head in politics where he doesn't fear correcting senior politicians and they HATE HIM.

It was on the 29th of June, when Carol thought it was best to surprise his husband Cleo Malalah who had gone to check on a school he's building in his Ward.

He got a call asking him to rush back home kuna kitu he needs to sought. Worried, Cleo rushed back to his house only to be met with a birthday cake. It was his 29th birthday. One of those rare family and friends time because he rarely has time for them as he's so much into his development projects, usually leaves early and comes home late.

As the small party just took off, some uninvited guests made an entry. A senior police officer in Kakamega asked him to accompany him to the Police station for some questioning. Over what... he told him utajua mbele. There were two junior officers with him and so he didn't want any problems and asked if he could come later but they refused, he asked to be allowed to change, they refused. Cleo knew he was in trouble when he saw more than a dozen police officers and 2 Toyota Land Cruisers outside his house. That's when he knew he's in trouble. He forgot to pick his phone so he asked his wife to get his father and tell him what's happened.

Cleo was locked in and request by his father to bail him out was resisted by the police. So Cleo spent the day and Sunday night in police cells "helping with investigations" and in court the next day to answer to charges of Asorn, malicious damage and injury to property, incitement, hate speech and assault.

The same week a nominated MCA Alex Khamasi presented a bill in the County Assembly to have Cleo impeached as Deputy Speaker.  This spelt darkness in his future politically and as a person. Even a court order requesting the house to allow him settle his other woes were defied and he was impeached. To add salt to the injury some politicians were after having him removed as Mahiakalo ward MCA but the people resisted these efforts as he served them well.

After this sad tale I am happy to say that early last week, the Court cleared the charges because of lack of evidence amd the beaitiful thing is members of the church Cleo had been accused of attempting to burn down told the court Cleo was not seen around the church.

Right now Cleo is battling yet another war to get back his seat as the Kakamega County assembly Deputy Speaker.

Attached is Cleo, his family; wife Carol and handsome sons Leon and Lavin who are more than happy to have that case thrown out and the people of Mahikhalo are even happier as he's going to give them his full attention again. He's just completed a dispensary, the school is almost done, a rough road being tarmaced... I am proud to be his personal friend, a guy during our college years used to carry meat with in Kiamaiko for an extra buck.

ALL THE BEST BRO.

LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE

Hi future wifey,
It's 8:09pm am in traffic going home, being chauffered in a brand new Isuzu. I guess Embasava invested in a new fleet. Well we may have met or not. Maybe we will meet in one of these Embasavas or you will knock my eggs down at the shop or spill mtura sauce on my shoes, I know it will be deliberate after reading an article by Njoki Chege (Girls)

I am that point in life where I am faced with one of the most important decisions in life, like whom to marry. I have two kids who repel chics from me but somehow I've realized urban chics are interested in married guys, bad boys, rich boys and single fathers. My babies are beautiful (I am not bragging). I thought I should write you a letter to let you know of few expectations I have in mind- more like terms and conditions of being

WEDDINGS: I know you chics love weddings. If I'll marry you I hope in a church, let's agree that:
1. I don't get to get your aunties lessos. The wedding is expensive enough. I'll go Bruce Lee on them and take you by force. Your dad asked for enough ng'ombes.

2. My boys and I won't dance, maybe Brian (I don't know what's wrong with that nigger)

3. Don't go William Ruto on me when reading your vows coz I know you'll be faking it.

4. Our wedding ain't going on wedding show and if it does they edit me out.

5. Guys will come with their own forks, that sharing forks  shit ain't hygienic and I might puke.

6. Avoid hot bride's maids. Not coz of me, I have hyenas for friends.

7. Any of your male relaz threatens me, Shaolin on them.

8. Me I pay for the guys I invite you do for those you invite.

FINE THINGS IN LIFE: Mmmmh... you work btw? It's a new millennium, you guys asked for equality sindio? I will work hard and biy you pretty stuff before one of my boys does but I buy you a dress, shoes, earrings and you don't buy me even toothpick nikitoka nyama choma... you'll see how stingy this Luhya will be. If I agreed to marry you, you must be hard working. I will be so good to you if you'll be good to me.   I have 2 kids already, I don't know how many you'd like us to have, I'll let you name them but if it's a boy Xavier Jerry Nato jr is he's name, hio tuskizane sahizi. Don't be naming him after your dad, I'll always be scared to hold him. Talk about your dad, I'll call him dad too... nooo I think Baba will be more appropriate. Daddy sounds like am about to melt in his arms and start sucling my thumb na akini bore I'll calk him Baba John (the kid he deslikes most in his house. Don't worry about my mum, she's a darling. Even if I bring a crocodile, she'll love it. No monster in law. We talk much about business ideas, so don't be beefing, join us in our watsap group by the way.

Your mother: Could be my best-friend or worst enemy.

MY BOYS AND YOUR GIRLS: Now, my boys are good guys, actually you'll rarely see them as I won't let them near you, we don't drink so mostly we go for rugby, we like road trips and am guessing you'll be coming too on some. Your girls... I hope they remember your married and baby please you need advice, don't get it from the ugly one, with a big mouth who's been left by 73 men in 7 months... that one who was snatching the microphone from the musicians during our wedding and sounded like a train breaking after spotting an Umoinner bus...yes that one, coz I bet she wants me. Go for girls night out, I trust you, I'll even get a bodyguard, my cousin Musa to drive you around, we don't want the alcoblow dudes to get you. No GPRS or stalking you.

That should be all for now. In the meantime, I want to believe you're not cute but you have a beautiful heart too. I will keep vigil and always look my best and wear smart, always smile to force my feint dimple, waiting to meet you. If I have already met you and you are probably reading this, don’t be shy, just ask me to marry you GENDER EQUALITY REMEMBER???
All my love,
Future Mr Right.

STAFF ROOM NIGHTMARE

Xavier ameshikwa class akiandika script class instead of writing notes. "Go to the staff room, kneel by my desk uningoje."

I walk into the staff room and ask Mrs. Karuga's desk from a friendly teacher. She points it to me. I go stand next to it like a statue.

The next desk teacher Mr. Were, the Agriculture teacher goes like,"Kijana, why are you standing there as if you have a pig's orgasm?" (This dude made us know pigs have very long orgasm)

The whole staff room erupts in laughter.

"Miss Karuga told me to come to her desk".

Mr. Wasike aka Mupa roars,"To do what?"

"To kneel down".

Mr. Wanambisi aka Croco (R.I.P) snaps,"Wee kichana hugo kwenu mnapikanga makodi kama umesima? Hepu weka makodi kapla sijakurarua kofi."

My rugby teacher Mr. Kituyi aka Fisi walks in and calls me by my nick name,"Thunder, unafanya nini hapa."

Miss Mchocho answers for me,"Huyu inakaa ame nyonga mtu".

"You know this boy alikataa kurudisha short ya rugby", says Fisi.

"He musht have ushed it azzh hissh under wear," goes Mr. Sifuna aka Mbuni.

Oh no, my drama teacher Mr. Masibo enters. "Nato, una fanya nini hapa? Mr. Makaka do you know this boy was imitating you in the school bus?"

Mr. Makaka's nose swells as he calls the office messenger (I hear he's a county rep now) the dude runs for a panga and comes back with canes as if he had gone for firewood. I get 6 good ones then told to immitate Mr. Makaka or I get more. I do then Mr. Makaka cabes me for doing it. Mr. Wasike is in tears laughing and asks me to immitste Mr. Sifuna but I decline, Mr. Sifuna will kill me, so he looks for a teacher not around and tells me to immitate Mr. Stima. Then I start,"Young man, my father did not give me the name stima...", Mr. Stima walks in,"Kijana, what are you saying."

"Mwalimu, Mr. Wasike told me to..."

"Wee me nimekusmbia nini?"

"Go down kijana. You will know why my father gave me the nsme Stima".

Am blessed with 5 hot ones. Then I go back to kneeling. Mrs. Lusenaka enters, "This boy, kijana, mbona sikupendagi?" I remain silent, surely how do I answer. "And he's very rude, yani huezi jibu?"

"Naweza mwalimu".

"Mbona roho yangu ime kukataa, nikikuona ina chafuka tu ni kama nimeona matope".

"Sijui mwalimu".

"Ati hujui? Mr. Stima nipe hio kiboko".

Mrs. Ataka comes to my rescue, (Francis Ataka tell your madam THANK YOU)

"Achaneni na huyo kijana jamani, Lusenaka wacha."

"Haya ni jibu basi, mbona sikupendi?"

"Kwa sababu am a bad boy".

She leaves me alone. The bell goes and soon Ms. Karuga enters,"You can go back to class now

PROSTITUTES AND TAXI DRIVERS

Musau has been a taxi driver for 17 years in Nairobi. Many know him for being a law abiding driver and very honest. Among his qualities, humility was also his key virtues. This earned him clients who would wait patiently for hours  to get his services. One of these clients was Priscilla. A bank teller in one of the big banks in Kenya.

Priscilla had a friend called Sheila who called her one morning, "Priso haki am stressed, my car broke down and I need a taxi asap."

"Why you calling me, there are so many taxis kwenu".

"The thing is am moving around so much and I need your taxi driver to carry me around. I shall at some point leave stuff in the car so I need a trustworthy person."

Numbers were exchanged, calls made, at 9:30am Musau was driving into a middle class estate in Westlands. Sheila gave him her schedule for the day. Musau quickly explained that he had two clients at 6pm and 8pm to which Sheila responded positively,"Tuta maliza by 4 usijali".

The errands began, at 3:30pm she was doing her last run, a meeting in Upper Hill. She thought she'd take a short time because she was to pick her daughter Beryl from school at the Holy Family Basilica. Too bad the meeting took longer than expected. Musau got uneasy, he couldn't leave because Sheila had left her stuff in the car.

Sheila came out of the meeting at 7:00!!!!! She came running, "Musau pole. Haki tuharakishe tukachukue mtoto."

The humble Musau was firious and scolded Sheila as She begged him to start the car she'll compensate him. Musau drove in anger almost hitting a truck, Sheila hit her head on the dash board.

"Hata Mungu ame kasirika na wewe, very good."

They reached the school at 7:20pm finding little Beryl seated next to the watchman. Sheila apologized to her baby and they went to the car as she explained everything.

"Huyu mama yako ni mkora sana, usiskie chenye anasema".

"Musau Tuheshimiane".

Beryl perturbed by all this. Musau drove towards Westlands through Koinange street. Prostitutes were lined up being a Friday.

"Mum, who are those women?" The little one asked.

Embarrassed, Sheila said,"Women trying to make a living dear".

Musau felt this was the time to hit Sheila hard,"Beryl, mama yako anakudanganya. Hao ni malaya, hao hulipwa na wanaume, kisha wanatoa nguo na kufanya tabia mbaya."

The expression on Beryl's face was classic, she was shocked. Sheila couldn't believe her ears and was left dumbfounded.

As they approached their home, Beryl asked,"Mum, do malayas have children?"

"Yes honey," Sheila replied,"Where do you think taxi drivers come from?".

THE ARCHITECTS

Three elderly architects in their 50s were furious at a firm they've worked for.

"23 years of service and this bugger Donald doesn't show any appreciation", said Kevin the 52 year old designer.

"I've been here for 20 years and I doubt if Donald knows my second name." James added.

As the geezers kept ranting, Donald felt guilty standing at the door of the design office. He was about to walk in to give the loyal workers a project to do. He slowly pulled back the door and walked back to his office.

Donald sat behind his desk and reflected on how loyal these men were to him. Many came and went after getting better offers, some got expirience and started their own firms... He should reward these men. He picked his phone and asked his secretary to summon the three men to his office.

"Fellows, I've realized you guys have been really loyal to me, each of you serving this firm for not less than 20 years. I think it's time I rewarded you with a final project. Now I need each one of you to design a house worth 30 million shillings in a week. I'll have the money sent into your accounts, you'll supervise the buildings from foundation to its final nitty grittys. So quickly get on it."

The 3 men left so disgusted. "I think this guy wants to fire us", said Phillip.

"He gets such big contracts and wants us to slave for him, then dump us", said James.

Kevin took a long heavy breath and said,"Guys, let's not be silly. Let's do the 30 million designs and as soon as the money is in our accounts, let's do a shoddy job of like 10 million and keep the 20."

"Kevin, he's most likely going to audit", said Phillip.

"No way, he trusts us, are you in?"

"Yes I am".

"How about you James?"

"I don't know, this guy has been so loyal to us to by giving us an opportunity, if it means him sending us off like this, so be it. I came in clean,  I'll go even cleaner."

So the 3 architects embarked into their projects,  in a weeks time they had come with beautiful designs and as promised 30 million shillings was deposited into their accounts.

When James went looking for the best stone masons, Phillip and Kevin went buying cheap bricks for the foundation and bribed the sellers to write them fake receipts.

When James went looking for cement from the best cement factory, Phillip and Kevin went to a cheap cement producer amd went to the company James bought cement and bribed to get fake receipts.

James went for the best everything within the 30 million shillings budgets where as Phillip and Kevin were busy going for below standard materials and labor and spent money bribing for fake documentation so as to survive being busted during auditing.

After 4 months Phillip and Kevin had their houses up while James' house was still being constructed, because he insisted on precision and accuracy. Everything was done down to detail and near perfection, even Phillip and Kevin got worried because the house looked like a 30 million shillings house but they didn't give a damn.

From their projects Phillip saved 3 million shillings and Kevin made 2.8 shillings. It still didn't make sense to them because so little went into the houses, they spent so much on bribing and using sub standard materials at times were forced to redo some works, at times the workers messed up because they weren't qualified but they made some millions.

5 months later James was done. The architects delivered the reports back to Donald after 9 months. Donald gave them cheques for 1 million to have the houses furnished. Whoever's moving into these houses must be some serious fellows.

Surprised by their bosses trust in them the fellows went out shopping. James went to the best furniture makers, bought state of the art electronics and the house was brilliant.

Phillip and Kevin went to second hand shops and even bought broken stuff and had them repaired.

Finally the day of inspection came and Donald inspected the houses and without saying a word asked the gentlemen to follow him to the office. 

The three men parked their cars. "So this is our last walk into Donald's construction", Phillip said.

"It was great working with you boys", said Kevin.

"You're leaving the firm millionaires, I was stupid to think that he would spare my job if I did my best", regretted James.

As they walked into the lobby, they were met with shouts of, SURPRISE!!!!

Donald had arranged a farewell party for them. It was emotional as everyone spoke so passionate about them. Finally the big boss had to say something.

"You guys have been to loyal and I must give you a magnificent send off, but how else can I reward other than give you houses worth 30 milkion shillings. Here, these are keys to the very houses you designed, built and furnished."